colours too dull and spammed with imperfection
Thursday, August 25, 2011
This is how much you mean to me. If I don’t need to stop typing for days and not go to school just to type all these for you, I would. Sorry if I ruin your mood with this.
Before you even read this post, or even read this sentence, or even visit my blog, you’re maybe thinking “what the fuck she want?” or “what the hell, waste so much time blogging for what?” or “aiyah, big fuck lah, moodswing nia” or “I don’t give a fuck, please”. I really don’t need anyone to read this shit anyway, just that I’m letting all my feelings out, cos I’ve no listening ear. Well, used to, but apparently I’m neglected and ignored.
Since 10th April 2011, I’ve never been happier than any day of the year. Remember you made me your sayang? I was like “big fuck, this girl straight or not?” But then I decided to give a shot, how long we’d last. First two months was fun, you cared for me like your own sister, like your one and only sayang. Remember CGS Funfair? I loved working with you, even though sometimes misunderstandings happen and you get angry and start being negative. Remember the time where both of us slashed? I didn’t mind the pain. I liked it. Even though after too much slashing and losing blood we promised not to slash anymore. Remember we always had Comm Arts in the AVT? When it was dark and cold, I badly wanted to hug you. Cos I knew, you were cold too. Just that I didn’t have much courage, I was a coward.
Third month was where it all started. On our third month, you had to go to Malaysia, when I finally got to stay in Singapore. We didn’t get to meet up on our monthsary. We switch sides. I was really sad that you had to go, even for a few days only. Then, I couldn’t live a day without you. Those 3 days, I suffered every night, thinking whether my baby’s asleep or not, have she eaten, did she injure herself or not. I missed you very much, I waited and waited for your text when you finally reached Singapore. Upon receiving the text, only God knows how happy I was. Even though I didn’t reply immediately, I still felt happy that my baby’s safe, back here in Singapore even after few hours. I couldn’t stop smiling. Also on our third month, that was the first time we quarrelled. We didn’t talk for a day. I was totally depressed. I kept thinking that you’d hate me very much, you would think that I’m a worthless bitch. But even so, you said sorry on the second night. The first time we didn’t wish eachother goodnight, I couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t sleep anyway. I was wondering why you didn’t tell me you’re going to sleep already. Since then, I keep worrying that you’d hate me one day.
Then came our fourth month. Everything started being shaky. I became more sensitive, negative, cranky and turned into a complain queen. Now, I think that I’m just bothering you. Other people could text you and you’d reply. But whenever I text you and ask you out, you’d not reply and say no. I worried. Am I really that unlucky? Or are you just busy on the wrong times... I missed all the craps we talked about and the random times when you’d just text me “iloveyou”. To be honest, by that time, I was contemplating if I was still straight or not. I mean, we’re doing things that me and Rusyaidi and Leroy used to do when we were together. All this between a girl and a girl? Like my mum, I hate it when they accuse me of being lesbian.
Remember where we quarrelled very badly, and didn’t talk like how we used to for almost a week? I was sad the most on that time. I just feared that you’ll ask for break. And you did, even though I declined. You asked for break on the wrong time. 4:33pm, I texted you “baby, I’m really sorry” and then a second later, you sent me a long text message on the reasons why we should break. I admit, I’ve been a bit or a lot bitchy lately, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. You totally sent me the break message at the wrong time. Then, my parents were quarrelling. Already bothered by the commotion at home, now this. I couldn’t stop crying, I strongly felt the urge to slash and cut my hand badly and run away and never come back. All my hopes and dreams crashed, the whole world just seemed to stop revolving around me. It felt as if I just lost someone dear, important to me. I plucked up my courage and said no. I was hoping you’d accept my promises and apology. I didn’t want to let you go just like that. I love you. I didn’t want the past to replay. I knew you couldn’t tahan me anymore, but I just want to say thanks for giving me a second chance. I bet if we actually broke, I wouldn’t have anyone else to talk to, joke around and annoy in class. I would have no one. I only have you.
Now, I just don’t understand why we’ve grown apart, drastically. Remember every monthsary you’d write me a letter? I don’t know why we suddenly stop... Baby, I want everything back to normal, like how we used to. Everyday in the past, we’d talk to eachother every minute every second. In the past, we’d walk to school together. In the past, we’d always be happy together. Now, everything’s the opposite. I want to start anew. Baby, I love you.